I'm fucked up.

Honestly, I cannot believe that other people think or feel the way I think and feel. Or that they do, just not as strongly. When something upsets me, my mind goes to suicide. When I'm angry, I think of homocide and suicide. When there's nothing to feel at all, I feel dead, and wonder if me disappearing would make a difference. And when I'm happy....God....I don't even know. I feel like I will explode, like it has nowhere to go because there's too much of it and I have to scream or jump or run. My emotions make me crazy, and they change so quickly. Which, in turn, makes others crazy. Most of the time, I feel like a burden, something that someone wishes would stop being so useless.

I feel useless when Randy talks to me.

I feel like a burden when I force Morgan to talk to me.

And all of this feels so egocentric and selfish, but I can't make these feelings go away. I think that's what people want from me the most: for these insane emotions to go away or be put on pause so that for once, I can think and act like a rational person.

Randy believes that I don't care about anything, that everything in my life is a joke to me. Maybe that's true. I can't even tell anymore. It feels like he doesn't respect me anymore. And I feel like more trouble than I'm worth.

I wish I had never woken up that morning. They would've found me in my bed, pale and cold and finally, finally at peace.

I love him too much.

The incessant feeling of being a bother, or troublesome, or just aggravating, it's driving me mad.

I never want to give him reason for unhappiness.

My sanity will just suffer for worrying.

The past two nights, my mother has been convinced that someone is trying to get into our house.

I think the fear from waking up one morning to our back door unlocked and wide open planted a seed in her mind, and now she's paranoid. I'm a paranoid person as well, so that seed is trying to work itself into my mind as well.

Two nights ago, she said she woke up to breathing, right beside her room. Her 'proof' of a break in was that the front door-which we don't use too often, but often enough-was unlocked. We had gotten Chinese the other day, and that explains that.

But last night, with my little sister in her room and two knives, she said she heard tapping at the window, and the floodlight from our neighbors' house turned on. Now she's saying she wants to get a gun, one for her room and one for the upstairs, aka me.

It's not that I don't agree with this plan, but I have enough nightmares. I don't need more paranoia disrupting my sleep.

I hope that, if there is someone, they realize they have a very high chance of dying in this house.